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23: Four Reasons We Nag Our Husbands and How to Stop

The Merry Messy Moms Show- Four reasons we nag our husbands and how to stop

I have found there are four big reasons why my husband starts getting on my nerves and why I start nagging him, and they may not be what you think! Listen in to this week’s episode to learn how to stop nagging your husband and how to level up your marriage.

stop nagging your husband

Links In This Episode

Episode Recap

This is a tough subject because it’s a lot easier for us wives to sit around with our girlfriends and complain about the things we don’t like about our husbands. But let’s be honest, we can be known for our nagging. And it really dampens the romance, the friendship, and the fun when we nag. So why do we do it and how you can stop nagging your husband?

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I noticed for myself that I’ve gotten into that habit the longer we are married. I realized I’m starting to sound like the old ladies who I used to say I’d never be like – bitter, barking at their husbands, cranky…YIKES! I knew I needed to start turning this ship around. But in order to change a behavior, we really have to know WHY we are doing it to begin with – you have to change the mindset and beliefs that drive the behavior or you’ll end up trying to change and failing.

So I really began doing some soul searching to see why I’m allowing him to irritate me – I knew it was my issue and not his. If it really is your issue stop nagging your husband.

1. He’s a Mirror

What do I mean by a mirror? He reflects back to us things we don’t like or want to change about ourselves. This actually goes for anyone who annoys us or gets on our nerves. We see in them things we already don’t like about ourselves. So, for instance, he could be snacking a lot, or have a sweet tooth, or leave his clothes lying around the bedroom, or brush his teeth too fast, or put the dishes in the dishwasher all wonky.

It takes courage to be really honest with ourselves and to be willing to open the lid of our own minds and hearts and admit that we have similar habits to our husbands. Things we wish we’d stop doing and it drives us CRAZY when we see him do it also!

We know we want to snack less and eat less sweets so we can lose weight and feel like he has to get on board with us in order for us to be able to change, but it’s not true! We can change with or without him, so you may as well stop nagging your husband.

So really get honest with yourself – think about the specific things he does that is grating on your nerves. Are they also things you’re doing and want to change? Things you wish you’d stop doing?

2. Women Have Felt Trapped & Resent Their Husbands

Men have definitely ruled the roost for a VERY long time. Women have traditionally been very trapped – not allowed to vote, own property, or work outside the home once you’re married and have kids.

Even in the 1960’s women were expected to quit their jobs when they got married. For some, they were happy with this! Others, women like me, would be miserable.

I was just watching “The Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood” which came out on Netflix. Have you seen it? It came out when I was in high school so I didn’t relate to it very much because it’s about an adult daughter and her learning the story of her mom’s mental illness.

The thing is, I could relate SO much to her mom, who ended up having a nervous breakdown in the movie! At one point, she went to confession and told the priest, “Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I have throughs of running away from my family and becoming famous.”

It sounds ridiculous at first, but for me, if I didn’t have things outside of family that I could have for myself, I would really resent my children and especially my husband. In fact, I have resented him because I was jealous that he didn’t have to be pregnant in order to have kids, or go through labor, or nurse, or have his entire body be completely changed by a baby!

I was also jealous he could just take off to work and I had to stay at home. Until one day I WOKE up. I was totally buying into some movie role of a perfect mom. I originally thought I’d love and enjoy being a stay at home mom, but soon realized it wasn’t for me. I like working, I like making my own money, too.

So I began to take charge of my life again and not blame it on my husband. It released a lot of tension we had between us and allowed me to thrive right alongside him. And he fully supported it because he was tired of a bitter, resentful wife! I had to wake up to the fact that I’m not a victim of him – I was bringing this on myself and it is up to ME to change it, so I did, and if I did it you can also stop nagging your husband!

Other people are merely mirrors of you. You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects to you something you love or hate about yourself.  - Carrie Carter-Scott

3. Neither of You Fits into Proper Gender Roles

I don’t know about you, but I grew up in the era of Disney princess movies. Belle, Ariel, Jasmine, Cinderella… I didn’t realize until recently that the image portrayed on so many of our TV shows and movies have affected what I expected out of myself and my husband.

To get married so some tall, dark, handsome guy who is full of muscles, strong, confident, recuses me, provides for me, makes swift decisions – all of those “manly” things. But not all men are the same, just like all women are not the same.

There are some guys who are softer, more tender-hearted and like to take their time to make decisions. There are some who are quiet, short, round, and don’t look like a Disney prince.

Even up until very recently I’ve had made up ideas in my head that my husband should be this manly guy. He is manly in his own way, but he’s not tall and has a tender heart. He takes time making decisions and is not aggressive when it comes to negotiating or getting our phone bill right.

I realized the kind of personality in a guy that I thought I wanted actually describes ME! I’m confident, I go after things, I make quick decisions, I will negotiate to get a great deal on a car, I’m a take charge person. I don’t fit the gender role of a sweet, compliant, demure, delicate woman.

So it’s only natural that I was attracted to a guy who balances me out. It made me realize to stop nagging my husband about and accept who he is.

I had to scrap the traditional gender roles we get from society and embrace both my own personality and Kevin’s in order to stop nagging him. I was getting annoyed when he would not take charge of things around the house – I felt like all of the decisions were up to me. But deep down I had to admit to myself that I actually like it that way! It’s just that I felt guilty that I like it that way and felt I should be more sweet and delicate and had thought something was wrong with me.

Nothing is wrong with me or him, gender roles are completely made up and we don’t have to follow them. It will help you stop nagging your husband!

Many marriages would be a lot better off if the husband and wife clearly understood they are on the same side. - Zig Ziglar

4. We Expect Him to Be Someone He’s Not

This reason really ties in with the last one. All I need to add to this is that it’s been SO helpful to both me and my husband that we know and understand first and foremost, our own personalities, and then each other’s personalities.

I’ve done a million personality tests and studies and none of them have been as helpful as Carol Tuttle’s programs. And the reason is because she has so many resources outside of a personality quiz to support you in figuring out your personality and understanding it – books, videos, a blog and Facebook groups.

I’ve learned the most from her Healing Center and her Facebook groups. In fact, being in a Facebook group with all women of my same personality type has been SO healing for me! To be surrounded by other go-getters who are gorgeous, confident and at peace with themselves is exactly what I needed in order to heal.

I had a lot of shame around my personality for so long and it also blocked me from embracing my husband’s true nature. Now I’m so much more open and free and able to be myself and allow my husband to be himself. It’s also greatly helped with understanding my children. I’ll have the links to her programs in the show notes below!

To recap – 4 reasons we nag our husbands are:

  1. He’s a mirror reflecting back to us that which we don’t like about ourselves and want to change
  2. Woman have felt trapped and resent men
  3. Neither of you fits into proper gender roles
  4. We expect him to be someone he’s not

Now you know how to stop nagging your husband!

stop nagging your husband
Four Reasons We Nag Our Husbands and How to Stop on The Merry Messy Moms Show Podcast with Sara McFall, episode #23
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